The Bow of “Thank You”

Back in the early days martial arts training was pretty rough, and when it came to sparring there was no protective equipment (and even if there was, we didn’t use it); everything was bare knuckle and bare foot!

I recall a very intense kickboxing/sparring match I had as a teenager. My partner and I were really throwing down on each other and our teacher reminded us to watch our control, but alas we pushed the envelope a little too far and I got kicked in the midsection. I remember being bent over trying to suck my breath back into my stomach (if you’ve ever had the wind knocked out of you then you know how awful this can feel).

After I was able to get back to my feet my teacher said something unexpected, he told me to bow to my partner. I was confused to say the least.However, respecting my teacher’s wishes, I sucked up my pain (and my ego) and I bowed to my partner. Meanwhile he told my partner to turn around and sit in Seiza (kneeling meditation). I spent the next few minutes trying to getting my wind back.

After class I went up to my Karate teacher and asked him why we should bow to our partner if they hit us and consequently hurt us … shouldn’t it be the other way around?? He told me, “You bow to your partner as a way of saying Thank You”. “Thank you!!” I said. “Why am I thanking them!!” He said, “Because they have revealed to you where you were open … now you have insight into where you can improve yourself.”

I must say, in the future he didn’t always explain it this way, I also heard him say, “You bow to your partner because you’re grateful that they didn’t take your head off!!” Yes, he had an interesting philosophy :-}

Reflecting on this teaching today I can see that it has given me more insight into how to improve myself than I could have ever imagined back in those teenage years. In fact I think it is probably one of the most profound teachings I was ever given! It has taken many other teacher’s wisdom to help me deeply understand and digest this teaching, but today, 25 years later, I use it daily to keep my head clear and my ego in check.

To me everything I have learned in a martial arts Dojo has a direct correlation into the art of living and this little etiquette is very powerful indeed. Sparring is also the perfect parallel to the dance of mastering conflict, because it represents a very dynamic relationship, the relationship of learning about yourself from your partners (and in life everyone is a partner to some degree).

Let me explain how I use this etiquette as a daily life skill. As you probably know by now I often talk about things such as re-framing and re-interpreting situations so that you can move beyond emotional strife, as well as tapping into the clarity of the Mushin State.

Well I use this ‘Bow of Thank You’ as a powerful reframing tool to deal with situations where I feel internal conflict, especially if I get a feeling of emotional angst. When someone does something that I don’t like, I inwardly bow and say, “Thank you!!”

Now here’s the thing … I may not say “thank you” out loud to the person that is seemingly attacking me, (remember everything is our interpretation, i.e. feeling threatened is a mindset), but I know that my weakness has just been revealed to me and now I can improve myself in that area … therefore I am inwardly grateful.

The thank you reframe immediately removes my bitterness or judgment from the source of the pain (or my projection onto that source) and puts the power to change and grow back into my hands. I immediately feel a sense of let go and once the emotional road block has been released I can easily move back into my center.

Now at first this may seem hard or maybe even impossible, reactive habits can be tough to break, I know! But how many times have you complained that people should or shouldn’t have done certain things to you (or others) and felt stuck? Well theoretically maybe they shouldn’t have, but who wants to live a life waiting for theories to come to pass. Not me, I’ve spent more than enough time trying to change people and I’ve exerted way too much of my precious energy wishing things or people were different than they are.

You see the thing is we attract the lessons that we most need to learn … and the Universe graciously sends us those lessons, (and when we are avoiding the lessons it seems to hit harder, doesn’t it?). So the light bulb moment is – the person who delivers the metaphorical kick in the gut is just the messenger. Sounds weird I know … but tis true. If you get this it’s huge!

Conversely you may argue that they did it to you … well I’m not saying that they don’t have lessons to learn either, like dealing with their anger, lack of control or learning how to be more sensitive – or compassionate – or whatever … but those are their lessons. You asked for your particular lessons (we all have). We may not recall that we stepped up onto the sparring matt and said, “let’s get it on”, but we did and it is up to us what we do when the bell rings.

We can run away, lash out and fight back with anger or we can raise our awareness to the point that we begin to master our reactions and step back into the flow of life. Each time we get bopped on the head we can humbly bow to the ‘life teaching’, and use it to grow and flow – or we can complain and stay stuck. It’s totally up to us.

I have found this Bow of Thank You to be an amazing way to immediately turn my reactions into self mastery moments … try it out … you just might transform your whole life :-}

Warmly,

Tristan

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